I need to treat myself and talk to myself like I am worth something."dear diary"
Spent so many years quietly watching and learning- this is the year I pull it all together. This is the year I bloom."dear diary"
Feel totally numb today. There is honestly nothing. No tears. No heaviness. Just, nothing."dear diary"
Bizarre and slightly creepy roadside motels, grateful that Elvie is an angry little corgi that growled at the door and kept us safe all night."dear diary"
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately… Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you and love you always."dear diary"
Trying desperately to sever the connection my brain has between my physical self and my self worth."dear diary"
can you talk more about your friendship with oskar? it's really lovely :)
Right now Oskar is sleeping in the cat tower next to the bed. Yesterday they jumped off and tried to catch themselves on the back of my arm and it hurt very bad. They follow me around and talk, and I talk back. The longer they’re in my life the longer we can keep a conversation going. Every morning Oskar follows me into the bathroom and meows the entire time, as if they really missed me while I was asleep. They look me in the eye and talk and I talk back of course… I tell them about my bad dreams and they listen. In the morning when I’m making breakfast and coffee they sit on the counter and watch attentively. When I leave and come back they hear me on the stairs and are usually waiting by the door. When it’s dinner time they yell constantly and run back and fourth until we feed them. They make me laugh and smile more times than I can count in a day and they’re sweet and goofy and sometimes they don’t think things through and its so cute. They trust me and know I’m going to do the best I can always to keep them safe- and they’re kind of a baby because of it. I just love them so much. These photos (yes I take a million photos of Oskar always) are our day together.
I need reassurance from the people I love and when I don’t get it, it really hurts. I’m not sorry."dear diary"
I want to feel like this again. I feel so far away from this person. I don’t feel the connection between this confident person and the person I woke up as. I woke up lost and small."dear diary"
Can I just please, brain, feel important… even a little? Feel like I am important to the people that are important to me? Can you just let me, please, feel like I am significant and vast instead of dirty and small. Can you just let me be, can you let me feel the things my logic and reason tell me? Can you just listen, for a second, can you just let me feel important and loved. Can you just let me feel like I’m not so easily replaced and forgotten? Can you please soften the edges and tell me that I am pretty and I’m important and even when I’m not pretty I’m still important.
Fuck everything."dear diary"
I am so tired of being nice when I’m getting stepped on."dear diary"